I used to sing to my young children, “Oh Gentle Presence”, an old hymn from my upbringing.I will forever remember the moment I realized that Nicky thought I was singing about presents. Hmmm. What could a gentle present be? Maybe a gift of your presence.
Is there anything more important than giving somebody your full attention? Look into their eyes and listen. Really listen. Hopefully, they will allow you to speak and listen back. If not, you still got the gift of learning who they are in a way many people have undoubtedly missed. And that changes your life in some way. Always.
I often think about the epidemic I’m witnessing in populated areas—but it exists in the wilderness and in-between. You know it–how it feels when you’re walking along and a stranger is walking toward you, seeming to look right at you, and you smile, readying yourself for a polite exchange of words—only to find they are speaking into some kind of device and not to you. Invisibility. Then there are Facebook, YouTube, ad infinitum…where everyone gets to feel famous…except usually, nobody’s listening.
Are you an over-talker? Over-talkers don’t listen. They just keep on talking about themselves, or what they do or don’t like, or believe in—without pausing to let you contribute to the “conversation”. Over-talkers make you feel invisible, or at best, not worth listening to. Sometimes being stoned, as many people often are today, turns an otherwise good listener into an over-talker, just as too much alcohol can make a pacifist angry. Even if temporarily, choice moments can be missed.
It’s getting worse. Most people don’t even give their best friends their full presence.
I remember being invited to a client lunch of appreciation for the work I had done—a one-on-one—feeling baffled by my client’s texting during the entire one-on-one exchange. I left with an empty feeling, rather than one of recognition.
I took my daughter on a mom-and-daughter week-long vacation a few years back and, in a bold gesture, insisted we would not drink alcohol or smoke pot the whole time. My reason: I wanted her presence. And I wanted her to have mine! I got a lot of pushback on that one and had to dig in my heels and stand my ground–but we ended up having the most deeply connected and fun few days of our lives together, save for the baby years.
In the adult dating scene this is a conundrum, because we want to appear to be carefree and fun-loving for first impressions. But think about this—at least by the second or third date: If you are trying to get to know somebody, does it make sense to be drunk the whole time? Or constantly stoned? How present can you be with your date? How much can you learn about who they really are? Beyond the resumes, profiles, and portfolios is a person with a depth of experience and wisdom you have yet to discover. Isn’t that worthy of your presence?